accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
You Might Also Like
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Not messing around
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Every photo I’m tagged in
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.