“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
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[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Breaking news:
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
how it started vs how it ended
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.