“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
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Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Breaking news:
oh my god
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.