If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
You Might Also Like
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Put the is in disheveled
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy