[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
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A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”