When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
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My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.