“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
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*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.