I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
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Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
the battle rages on
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
That was easy.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you