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In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
best first i’ve ever seen
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.