me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
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My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope