TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
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Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.