I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
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When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
my dog when i have a friend over
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.