Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
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I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Lmao
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Classic German Shepherd 😂
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses