Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
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Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.