i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
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Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.