at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
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It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die