GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
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A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen