Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
You Might Also Like
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I got bills
They’re multiplying
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?