“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
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I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
i spent way too long on this
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos