3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
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Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today