EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
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Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
This is my bus stop.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
So the ex texted me
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero