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My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.