My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
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I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Cake!!
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
I found your tweet-up…
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.