Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
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6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Traveler’s camo
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?