movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
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I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Meanwhile in Portland…
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?