[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
You Might Also Like
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.