Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
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My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!