fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
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*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.