[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
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You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.