My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
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It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Haha good job!!
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD