Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
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My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Dear Lord..
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form