That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
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People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
No chill.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD