if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
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Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o鈥檆lock guys
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
My kid announced he鈥檚 counting to Infinity. It鈥檚 been five minutes and he鈥檚 on 39. Send help.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
her: I鈥檓 a cat person
me: I鈥檓 more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
馃槉馃
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Not trying to brag but my son鈥檚 teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train