toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
You Might Also Like
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.