Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
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Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
whatcha thinkin bout
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Best table by far
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
sensitive skin
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.