If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
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I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
is it earth
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota