Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
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This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.