In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
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earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
when someone compliments me
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.