astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
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Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
i actually laughed 😩
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.