If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
You Might Also Like
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.