Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
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[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers