(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
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A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Knock Knock
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
❤️❤️❤️
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?