I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
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[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”