What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
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Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
The “baby” on the left….
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom