I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
You Might Also Like
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*