I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
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[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family