My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
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People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat