My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
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Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine