Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
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Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.