Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
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Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Breaking news:
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”